I'm sitting on the couch, looking into his big amber eyes and trying to find the right words.
I asked him if we could talk. He said 'sure' and now here we are. He's looking expectant, like he knows what ever I'm going to say is going to be good. Or he's looking at me and just simply waiting for something, it's hard to tell with his expressions.
But I know that what I'm going to tell him might not be as good as he wants it to be. I think it's healthy for us to discuss the issue, but I'm not so sure he will think the same. But honestly, we can not continue on like this, with the obvious attention he shows me whenever I'm around and the way I'm always the one he goes to and how he likes to hug and cling to me. I like him, I really, really do, he's a great friend, one of the best, but I feel that, to keep the great friendship we have, I have to confront him about his
Man-crush, on me.
At this point I had been waiting quite long to say anything at all and so his eyes had drifted back to the TV which I'd put on mute. But for this I needed his complete attention and so I leaned over, grabbed the remote and turned the TV off completely.
He let out a disappointed moan and then turned back to me again.
'So, what's up?'
I took a deep breath.
'Well, listen, Uh, this is kind of hard for me to say but... You know, I've sort of started to notice a few things about you that you do, around me, particularly.' I admit, it was not a great beginning but it was a beginning. You try confronting a good friend about a man-crush you think he has on you, and you see how hard it is.
He looked at me, this time with a bit more confusion on his features. He's not the guy to talk until he thinks it's necessary, and so I knew I had to continue and explain myself.
'Ok, I know this might sound harsh but please don't take any of it the wrong way, I still really like you as a friend and all but I think it's time we sat down and talked about the issue here.'
He still just sat there and looked at me. Not saying anything. I couldn't tell if it was because he was scared that I'd found out or because he didn't know what I was getting at.
'You know, that you
Man-crush on me?'
He was silent. But his eyes spoke for him in the way peoples eyes do when they are caught. They became drastically bigger and then smaller again.
'What?' He said incredulously and looked a little bit around us as if to make sure we where alone.
'Oh, come on, you know what I'm talking about, it's quite obvious when you think about it.' I accidentally said maybe a bit to quickly. But I knew my suspicious where true and I just wanted him to sort of
confess in a way so that we could get to the point and work it all out.
He did not take it the way I wanted him to and for a moment he looked incredibly offended before he suddenly stood up and turned around to walk away.
I quickly grabbed his hand so that he couldn't leave.
'Please. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that, I promise. That was unkind of me. I'm sorry. Please stay, we need to work this out. Please.'
For a while he stood with his back to me, his hand still in mine. With a sigh he turned back around and sat down next to me once more.
'Thank you.' I said and let go of him.
Now this was awkward. I knew from the very beginning that it would be, but as we sat there, neither of us saying anything but both still knowing what everything was about, it was more awkward than I would have thought.
One of us had to say something eventually, though.
Thankfully, the silence was broken soon enough, but not by me, and not by a way that I'd thought.
He made a sound.
Yes, a sound, but when it comes to him, a sound and an expression is all you need.
He was looking a bit
bored as he looked longingly for the TV. A bit like he didn't really care what was going on, and the sound
The sound was a sort of sigh mixed with a moan that to me, coming from him, meant "I have no idea what you're talking about so let's just leave it".
This almost made me angry. Maybe "angry" is the wrong word to use here. I mean, you wouldn't be angry if a little cat tried to act like nothing was wrong when they sort of had done nothing but show you affection. It was more or less the same thing going on here. But it did get me a slightly annoyed.
'You can't be serious?' I asked him with a little dry laugh. He didn't look at me but he twitched. He'd heard me perfectly well.
'Well, if you're just going to sit there without saying anything, then I might as well talk'. I said and sat up straight. As I continued I was a lot more soft spoken as I now felt more love and pity for the guy. The poor guy.
'Yes, I have noticed your man-crush on me. Frankly, most people have, including my girlfriend and your close friend for I don't know how many years. It's a little bit hard not to when we spend so much time together at her place, and, I'm sorry, but you're not really discreet about it. I still really like you, as a friend, and I would never want you to leave and neither would my girlfriend, but she is just that. My girlfriend. So, you know that I'm taken.' I gave him an apologetic smile.
He sat there on the couch next to me, looking from time to time at the floor, then at me and then at something which I couldn't see. He does this quite a lot; look at something that isn't there.
I brushed the hair out of my eyes and continued when I noticed that he wasn't going to say anything. This was it.
'Did you think we wouldn't notice? You know how I am with figuring things out and even Cece knew from almost the start.
The way whenever I'm here; you're here too, even more so than when I'm not. And if I'm just chilling by the computer or the TV and you drop by, which I have nothing against, you almost always crawl up really close next to me on the couch and if I'm lying down you're almost always there, deciding to lie close or some times on top of me almost.
Sometimes If I'm talking to someone on the computer and not paying attention to you, you come up and put your head on my hands so I can't write.' I took a moment to look at him.
He was looking at me now, listening intently. I couldn't figure out what his expression meant though, but he didn't say anything so I pressed on.
'And if my girlfriend is with us, then you're more or less as close to her, which I'm not at all surprised by, I mean, you have known each other for many years and you're really close friends. But, like the other night when you where staying with us for the night, and she went to bed, I thought you where going to go too because other times when you've stayed with us the whole night and I've decided to go to bed before you two, you ALWAYS go to bed a few minutes after me.
But when Cece went to bed, you stayed up with me even though I was only working on some writings, and when I went to brush my teeth, you followed me like a puppy and eventually went to bed when I did.
Not to mention waking up and finding you crawled on top of me or when you hear that we're awake you come up to us on the bed.
I don't mind it, I mean, I have other male friends which I share a profound bond with that would be called a "bromance", I'd be fine if that was what we had.'
I gave a sigh and put my hands together.
The one thing that got me to think of the man-crush was when Cece told me about something that she'd seen when I wasn't here.
She'd woken up and found you
All snuggled up in my Pj's that I leave in her house when I'm not there.
That is what made it clear to me. You have a man-crush on me.' I stopped and looked at him.
His eyes where huge and locked on mine.
I had called him on it. I had told him I knew. I had pointed out everything that made me come to the conclusion and now I was waiting for his answer to it. He had to say something. I didn't know what to do. No one has ever told me how to handle a situation like this. There are no pamphlets! "So you've discovered you're close friend has a man-crush on you?". Oh, if only. It would be handy. I'd appreciate a 12 step model on what to say as well, thank you.
He still hadn't said anything.
It was making me a little bit nervous. What if he'd taken it the wrong way? What if he thought I hated him now?!
'Listen, I still really like you as a friend, but, we can never be more than that. I hope you understand?' I said slowly and put my hand comfortably on his shoulder. Was this bad? Should I avoid contact? No. Things should be as normal. But he wasn't saying anything. I must have done something wrong.
We're ok, then?' I tried.
At this his expression changed. His confused look melted away and he looked like he was smiling warmly at me.
Then he moved from his position on the couch next to me and crawled up into my lap and stoke his furry little head lovingly against my face and gave off a little purr.
I sighed and stroke his back.
Sputnik probably didn't understand a thing of what I'd just told him, but at least I'd said it.
'So, I guess we'll just continue like always with the cuddles and such, eh?'
My girlfriend came home later that day and when she was preparing dinner I told her.
'So I confronted Sputnik on his man-crush on me today.'
'Oh, you finally did, did you?' She asked and poked her head around to look at me with an amused smile.
'Yup.' I said and walked over to open Sputniks little box of treats.
'And how did he take it? I'm guessing he didn't listen' She said and kissed my forehead and then his.
'Yeah, we didn't really manage to work anything out but at least we both know where we stand.' I said as my little man-crush-lion continued to purr in my arms.